11 Jun Why Some Couples Can’t Stop Fighting
- Have you noticed that you and your partner fight about the same things over and over again?
- Are you tired of thinking it’s resolved only to have that same old issue rear it’s ugly head again, and again and again?
- Are you at a loss as to what to do to get a glimpse of peace?
- Is it tearing your love apart?
I have good news and bad news for you.
The bad news is that you are NEVER going to resolve the recurring issue.
The good news is that you can now stop trying to change your partner’s point of view and invest your time and energy in yourself.
You can now make a cuppa, go to the beach or cook pasta or whatever takes your fancy as you listen to the distant sound of your partner. You can be smug in the knowledge it’s a solo fight.
How do you live with the annoying differences between you?
My advice is to learn the difference between the Solvable and Unsolvable problems and use a structured communication process to discuss each.
Here are easy steps to identify whether it’s worth fighting about.
Step 1: Identify whether your problem is solvable or unsolvable.
A solvable problem has the following features:
1. It relates to a task or an action.
2. It can be ticked off on a list.
3. There are several options for how it can be solved and a middle ground is possible.
A solvable problem requires good communication and listening skills followed by negotiation.
Compare that to an unsolvable problem, which has the following features:
1. Is related to a value system.
2. It points to a life direction and cannot be ticked off on a list
3. It’s embedded in a person’s psyche and view of the world.
The unsolvable problem will continue to come up again and again in relationships. It may masquerade as a task or thing but underneath the obvious, there is a value system, like religion, view of family, view of the world, or an orientation to life etc.
Step 2: Change your attitude.
This unsolvable requires you both to shift your attitude and your goal when you speak. You’ll need to find a way to live together with this difference and to accept that it will always be a difference between you.
Step 3: Ask yourself questions.
For an unsolvable problem ask yourself…
“How can I learn to learn to live with this difference?” and
“What steps can I take to show acceptance of my partner without agreeing with their view?”
The most important thing to remember is that your partner won’t change and that you’ll need to find a way to live together harmoniously without damaging your relationship. This requires an attitude of acceptance.
If you’re already in a relationship and you find your partner’s culture, traditions and religions get in the way of your love, then without a doubt you’ll need to establish excellent communication skills to resolve your differences.
Don’t let bad communication skills erode your love. Contact me for a free 15 min chat to see if I can help you better your relationship.
Learn more about improving your relationships and creating thriving bonds by contacting Iman Iskander – Culture Of Care for a consultation.
Iman Iskander is a relationship therapist and mindfulness teacher. learn more about relationships by attending a workshop, or masterclass. Look at publicised events here.