I sat and listened to the story
She poured out her sadness and distress.
She really wanted to connect with her daughter. She was sick of the yelling, screaming and slammed doors.
“I try so hard” … she said.
So I asked the obvious question, “how do you try?” and this was the missing key that opened the door of her mind.
The key to care filled interactions
She gave an example of her trying …
“my daughter needed a lift to a party and I offered to give her the lift, even though it was an hour’s drive and there was still the cooking to be done for dinner and several other home chores”
Now on the surface this sounded like a very generous act. After all, who wants to busy themselves doing things for other people when their own To-Do list is already bursting.
“She turned the lift down” the woman explained.
The woman felt hurt, rejected and abandoned and didn’t know what to do.
As the conversation unfolded, I learnt that the offer of a lift was conditional. She wanted something from her daughter in return and she asked for it. In return for the lift, she asked for an agreement from her daughter to talk, engage in dialogue.. perhaps answer questions. Whilst this is well-intentioned and speaks to a need from mum to connect with daughter, it is NOT a care filled interaction. It is now a transaction.
A transactional relationship is not care
I give you this and in return, you give me that. This is a TRANSACTION.
Transactions are Ok for business, after all that’s how the world works.
I give you money, in return I get a good… say a car or groceries.
I give you a service, cleaning your house or babysitting and in return, you give me money.
Our world works on transactional behaviour.
When it comes to your loved ones… things are different.
Care is NOT transactional… It’s just giving and expecting nothing in return.
Now… I am certainly not talking about giving everything to a child who needs discipline.You might not want to give anything to a child in the midst of a wild tantrum. I agree.
We should be teaching children about consequences for their behaviour through appropriate reward/punishment systems.
But when you are working on building, meaningful care and connection with loved ones, it’s a different story.
Give, give, give and ask for nothing in return.
Expect Nothing. Zilch. Naught. Numero Zero!!
To communicate “I care” look for the opportunities to be there for someone. Your actions speak volumes and actions are so much louder than any words.
look for, dig deep and find the opportunities to offer something for nothing to your special one. Something that will show you have their back, you are here for them, you want to make the load lighter for them.
That is genuine CARE.
Let’s leave transactional relationships for business.
Now for you?
Can you mine for CARE opportunities?
Just give to those you love and see what happens.
Download the “When you’ve stopped trying to work on your relationship” now.