When you fight and call each other names you tear your love apart. It may be a simple trigger or a long-lasting dispute, either way, you’ll need to stop the fighting and do some and healing between the two of you.
This method is based on an exercise from Gottman therapy principles, which is all about recovering after a bad fight. The idea is that you still need to talk and heal after the war between you.
Here’s how to restore your relationship in 5 steps..
7 step relationship restoration process after a fight.
This method requires you to talk and evaluate the fight. You’ll learn about yourself and your partner so you can continuously improve the way you relate and more importantly do some deep healing after a fight.
Step #1: Make a time to talk.
Turn off the TV and put your phone away. This needs your undivided attention.
Bring a healthy attitude with you. You want to repair not live through the same fight again.
Step #2: Take turns retelling what happened.
Stick to the facts only. Your opinion and evaluation is not needed. It’s damaging at this point.
It sounds like this..
“I said xxx, then you said xxx, then I did xxx and you did xxx.”
Step #3: Explain your feelings
Each person takes a turn on reporting their feelings during the fight.
For example- you may have felt-Alone and sad? Angry and annoyed? Or overwhelmed?
Step #4: Describe the turning point.
What was the turning point for you?
Each person reports on when the conversation turned South.
What specific word, tone, look or thing occurred that set you into conflict?
Step #5: Describe the meaning.
Each person takes a turn talking about the meaning of the trigger.
What meaning or memory do you give this thing you identified in Step #4?
What memory or story from the past is associated with this?
Why is this a trigger point for you?
Listen to your partner’s revelation, and respond with empathy.
Thank them for their vulnerability.
Step #6: define your responsibility in the fight.
What is your responsibility in allowing this trigger to take hold?
What part can you own to stop the escalation?
Step #7: Create a couple action plan for next time.
Together devise an action plan of how each of you can respond in the future when you are triggered.
Use lots of humour and creativity.
Create lightness in your relationship.
How to calm – even more !
Couples sometimes find that a soothing word can be used during a heated exchange. It can calm the escalation. This word can be said repeatedly during a fight.
You may be able to inject softness and tenderness with a smile, a touch, or some other means that only the two of you know about.
The important thing here is to build trust by saying what you’ll do and then do what you say you’ll do.